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The Professor 



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PROF. GRINDEM: 

His CommGiicement* 



A PUAV 

In Three Acts, and an Epilogue. 



H. REA WOODMAN, M. A. 

Author of "The Sweet Girl Graduates" and 

"She Organized A Club." 



COPYRIGHT. 1907 
BY REA WOODMAN. 



PUBLISHED BY 

ELDRIDGE ENTERTAINMENT HOUSE. 
FRA.NUI.IN, OHIO. 






(DEDICATION) 

Again — and yet again — to my dear Boys and Girls of the 

Class of 1902, with my undiminished affection. 



SYNOPSIS. 

ACT I The Hallway of the Grindem Home, Mon- 
day VJorning, June 3rd, at 10 o'clock. 
"Well we'll take up these troubles one at 
a time " 

ACT II The Office of Professor Grindem, Rafton 
High School. Wednesday Morning, June 
5th. Mt 9 o clock. 

"When's our time coming? I'm getting 
gray-headed ! " 

ACT III The Stage of the Duval Theater, Thurs- 
day Afternoon. June 6th, at 4 o'clock, 
"Yes Galliger it's been a hard week!" 

EPILOGUE The Library of the Grindem Home, Fri- 
day Morning. 

The innocent sleep 
Sleep that knits up the ravell'd sleave of 
care, 

sore labour's bath, 
Bilm of hurt minds, great nature's sec- 
ond course " 



CHARACTERS OF THE PLAY. 

Professor John Grindem, Principal of the Rafton High 
School. 
A busy man who does the work of ten. 

Mrs. Martha Morton Grindem, His wife. 

Who knows "very little about the school, really." 

Mrs. William Morton, His Mother-in-Law 

Who has never visited "Dear John" before. 

Professor Marram Wright, His Assistant. 
Who is scholarly and absent-minded. 

<jrALLi6ER GuRDY, A Black Sheep, likewise "A Special." 

Margaret Woodward, otherwise 'B^tbe,' a Freshman. 

Mr. Frank Sawyer, President of the Graduating Class. 

Bessie Tapping Class Historian. 

Miss Millicent Cameron, (from Philadelphia) A Favor- 
ite Pupil. 

Mame Hensell, a Junior, Leading Lady in "She Stoops 
to Conquer." 

Miss Sophia Spalding, Teacher of Elocution 

J. P. Thompson, Esq., President of the Board of Educa- 
tion. 

Mary, the Maid. 

Carpenters, Messengers, Florists, and Attendants. 



Act 1. 



Frank : 



Frank : 
Babe: 

Frank : 
Babe: 
Frank : 
Babe: 

Frank : 

Babe 



(Halhvay of the Gridcm Home, Mon- 
day morning, June 3d, at 10 o'clock. 
A stack of papers on the side table, an- 
other on the hall rack. The front door 
being open, through the screen door 
one can see the piazza and open sky. 
Mr. Frank Sawyer is discovered, 
reading. ) 

(After reading a bit in silence, he con- 
sults watch.) Ten o'clock, and I got 
a date at half -past ! 
(A step on the piazza,- and 'Babe' 
Woodzvard, in beflowered hat, appears 
at the screen door, opens it wide, and 
comes in.) 

Hello, Babe ! What are you doing 
here? 

{picking up fan and fanning vigor- 
ously) Want to see Professor right 
ofif about the Hall. Galliger says the 
Glee Club has it for Wednesday night. 
My, it's hot ! 

{running through the leaves of the 
magazine idly) Got it for what? 

{peeling off her long gloves) Wed- 
nesday night. 

Got it for zvhat, I said, not for when. 
The Glee Club's tonight. 

That's what I told Galliger, but he said 
he guessed he knew, as he made all 
their dates. 

Maybe they've changed it. Galliger 
ought to know. What do you want 
with the Hall? 

{beginning to reverse the lingers of her 
gloves) It's hot enough for August, I 
declare! I've been 'way down to the 

(5) 



Frank 
Babe: 

Frank 
Babe: 



Frank : 
Babe: 

Frank : 
Babe: 
Frank : 
Babe: 

Frank : 
Babe: 



Duval, and I'm most melted ! It's 
Wright that's got us so mixed. If he'd 
let things alone — always wanting to do 
everything, and then forgetting what 
he's done ! He told Bob Martin that 
we could have it, and Bob engaged 
it and paid for it. Awfully expensive, 
too, I think. Everybody says fifteen 
dollars is too much, and five for light. 
The lighting ought to be counted in, 
don't you think? Bob says — 

(patiently) What do you want with 
the Hall,'l said? 

(fanning zvith vigor) It's awful hot! 
I bet I look like a fright. I'm on the 
Freshman Committee for the Junior 
play, you know. 

I don't see how you kids get in the 
Junior play. 

Where have you been all your life? 
The Freshmen always engage the hall 
and do the decorating for the Junior 
Play — make all the arrangements. Has 
it been a million years since you were 
a Freshman, Mr. Sawyer? 

(zvith cold dignity) All we did when I 
was a Freshman was to usher. 

(zvith crushing scorn) I suppose that is 
all you were capable of doing! But 
he'll have to settle it. 

Who? 

Professor Grindem. 

He isn't here. 

(looking 
Here? 



a r u n d apprehensively) 



I don't mean under the table ! He's 
ofif somewhere — a Board meeting, I 
think Mrs. Grindem said. 

(smoothing out her gloz'cs) Is she at 
home ? 

(6) 



Frank: (taking up one of her gloves) Yes. 
She cut through here a while ago look- 
ing like a fright in a green kiroma. 

Babe: (dimpling) Kimona you mean. Give 
me my glove! (snatches for it). 

Frank: (putting it into his pocket) Oh, I 
don't know ! I'm making a collection. 

Babe: Yes, you are! A collection of one, I 
reckon ! Give me my glove ! 
(Galliger Gurdy appears at the screen 
door.) 
Galliger: (through the door) Hello! Grindem 
in, my early birds? 

Babe: No, not just this minute. He will be 
back shortly. 

Galliger: (comes into the room, bozvs lozv, hand 
on heart) Ah, an unexpected pleasure! 
Mr. President and The Infant, pert 
and pinky, frivolous and flirtatious ! I 
come hither, friends, with news. 

Babe: What? Galliger, make him give me 
my glove ! 

Galliger: (sits on the corner of the table) My 
dear Infant, who am I that I should 
succor distressed beauty? I come not 
here to talk. Where's Grindem ? 

Frank : (' opens a magazine and begins to read) 
He's at the office. 

Babe : You told me he was at a Board meet- 
ing. 

Frank: (reading) He's probably bored 
wherever he is. 

Galliger: Most probably. If he's at a Board 
meeting, what are you waiting for? 

Frank: (yazming) Grindem. 

Gaines, (stoops to pick up papers) 

Babe: Galliger, who's President of the Glee 
Club? 
Galliger : (getting up, thereby upsetting papers) 
(7) 



Gaines, {stoops to pick up papers) 
Examination papers, by George ! Eng- 
lish History! 

Babe: (assisting) Are they marked? 

Galliger : No, he won't get to that till next sum- 
mer! (heaps them on the table in a 
tumbled mass) I'd bvirn 'em, and give 
us all one hundred. 

Babe : I thought you said you made the dates 
for the Glee Club? 

Galliger : So I did, and so I do. Gaines is Presi- 
dent; I am Manager. I do the work; 
he does the stunts; I get the knocks, 
he gets the glory. I'm off if Grindem 
isn't here, (takes up his cap.) 

Babe: (with a fascinating smile) But he's 
coming. Besides, I want to know — 

Galliger : So is Emancipation Day ! I've got to 
see him right away. The push isn't 
going to the reception if he doesn't 
change the date. 

Frank: (looking up from magazine) What 
push? 

Galliger: The Rafton Reds. That's the night 
of- our banquet and we won't post- 
pone it. 

Frank: (coldly) Well, I guess that won't stop 
the reception. That's the regular time 
for the Senior Reception, and the Reds 
knew it. They ought to have made 
other arrangements. 

Babe: But the Reds ought to be there, I 
think, 

(Bessie Tapping steps briskly up to 
the screen door, opens it, and bounces 
into the room.) 

Bessie: (dropping several things) Where's 
Professor? I'm mighty glad to see 
you, Frank Sawyer! If you want a 
decent history of this class, why don't 

(8) 



Galliger : 
Babe: 
Frank ; 

Bessie : 



Babe: 
Galliger : 



Bessie : 
Galliger : 

Bessie : 

Babe: 

Galliger : 
Babe: 



you help me get it up? And now 
they want it in verse! Why didn't 
they say so six weeks ago ! And I 
can't find half the people! I can't just 
giicss where they were born and what 
color of hair their mothers had ! Here 
I've been chasing around all day 

The day is young. 

Sit down, dear. Your hat's on crooked. 

(yazvning) Yes, sit down, and let the 
course of empire take its way west- 
ward ! 

(sitting on the very edge of a stiff 
chair) Do you want 'em arranged in 
chronological order, or don't you? 

(commences to sort loose pages of 
manuscript.) 

Of course. Who ever heard of his- 
tory that wasn't chronological ? 

(taking a box of candy from his 
pocket) Yes, J. Csesar was born be- 
fore G. Washington. It was his good 
fortune. G. Washington would have 
wiped the earth up with him. Will the 
Infant partake of chocolate creams, or 
has she forsworn? 

(preparing to write) When did your 
father come West, Frank? 

Have some candy, Bess. Why this 
unwonted activity? Frank's father 
was an honest man — so far as we 
know. 

The history isn't half done, and I'm 
going to ask Professor Grindem — 

(nibbling a cream absently) Galliger^ 
when's the Glee Club? 

(bolting a chocolate) Tonight. 

(indignantly) You said it wasn't, and 
Professor Wright said 



(9) 



Galliger : Well it wasn't then. We had to change 
it. Why? 

Babe: Why, we've hired the Hall for Wed- 
nesday night, paid for it and every- 
thing, and the Websters have hired it 
and paid for it, and they said the Glee 
Club told them 

Galliger: (cheerfully, bolting another choco- 
late) They're off ! We never told them 
anything. The Glee Club's tonight at 
the Duval. I guess I ought to know. 
We had to take the Duval ; Everett 
Hall is too small, you know. 

Babe: Indeed! I suppose you expect the 
whole town to turn out? 

Frank: It all comes of letting the Freshies 
run the Junior Play ! 

Bessie: (looking up from her zvriting) Where 
was Fanny Farren born? 

Galliger : Give it up. Next ! 

Babe: Are you going to put their ages in? I 
wouldn't'stand for that ! 

Bessie: How did you earn your first money, 
Frank, and what's your father's poli- 
tics? 

(A timid step is heard, the door opens, 
and Professor Wright steps into the 
room with extreme circumspection.) 

Babe: (flies at him) Professor, did you tell 

Bob Martin- 
Bessie (flies at him, scattering papers) Do 

you think. Professor, the History 

ought to rhyme, or not? 

Frank: (rising formally) Professor Grindem 
isn't here, Professor. Won't you sit 
down? 

Wright: Thank you, Frank. Where is — er, 
good morning, young ladies.. 

Babe: (meekly) Good morning, Professor. It 
(10) 



is very wami, isn't it? Let me take 
your hat. Would you like a fan? 

Wright : No, I thank you, I never fan a use— I 
mean, use a fan. 

Babe: (szvectly) It is very refreshing on a 
warm day. Let me fan you. I want to 
ask you if you told Bob Martin 

Bessie: (hauling her chair close to him) Good 
morning, Professor. I think blank 
verse is good enough, don't you? Do 
you, or don't you? And would you 
say the same things about every one? 
Or would you just make up things? 
Would you, or wouldn't you? 
Galliger : It will be blank enough, I'll wager ! 

Wright: (gasing helplessly at Bessie) What — 
er, — to what do you have reference, 
Miss Tapping? Thank you, Miss 
Woodward, I am not warm. 

Babe : Oh, I like to fan people. 
Bessie : (rustling among her papers) The Class 
History. 

Babe: It doesn't matter what you say in a 
Class History, do you think so. Pro- 
fessor? Nobody amounts to anything 
special at eighteen. 

Frank: (loftily) Speak for yourself, Mar- 
garet Woodward! Because you have 
not accomplished anything doesn't sig- 
nify 

Babe: (serenely) Now, Professor, you see it 
— oh, won't you have a piece of 
candy? Those flat, square ones are 
very nice. I've got to know what you 
did about that Hall. You told Bob 
Martin 

Galliger: Bob Martin never remembers what 
he's told over night! 

Wright: (dejectedly, looking from one to the 
other) Yqs, Miss. Woodward, I am — 

(11) 



Babe: 

Wright 
Babe: 



Wright 



Babe 



Wright : 



Babe: 

Wright : 

Frank 



Babe 



Frank 



er — all attention. I am only — er — too 
happy to serve you. 

(beginning with great precision)There 
seems to be a mistake somewhere. Let 
me explain the matter to you exactly 
as it is. You remember, you told Bob 
Martin 

(dejectedly, but earnestly) Yes, Miss 
Woodward. 

You told Bab Martin that we could 
have the Hall for Wednesday night, 
and you told the Webster Club the 
same thing. And we hired it and paid 
for it and so did the Websters. Now, 
who is to have it? 

What hall, Miss Woodward? My — er 
— memory does not serve me. I do 
not remember to have held a conver- 
sation with Mr. Robert Martin rela- 
tive to any halls or 

Everett Hall. You remember. Bob 
came to you last Sunday night — a 
week ago, at your boarding house. 
You were at supper. You excused 
yourself, and came out into the hall. 

You are correct. Mr. Robert Martin 
did call upon me about 6 o'clock one 
Sunday evening. He was in a hurry, 
and it was not perfectly clear to me at 
the time precisely what — 

But he 'phoned to you the next day. 

Oh, he did? 

(interposing firmly) You see, Profes- 
sor, it is this way. The Juniors give 
their play Wednesday night, and they 
want the Everett Hall 

We cannot afford the Duval, you 
know. 

As they cannot afford the Duval, and 
you told them it was — 



(1-2) 



Babe : No, you told Bob Martin it was ■ 

(A heavy tread is heard on the piazza, 
and J. P. Thompson, Esq., appears at 
the screen door. Everybody stiffens.) 

Thompson: (opening the door, and looking into 
the room) Is Professor Grindem at 
honie? (looks very attentively at Babe) 

Galliger: (in confusion) No, he's — he's at the 
Board meeting. 

Thompson : (severely) Young man, are you try- 
ing to be funny? Do you know 
who I am? 

Galliger: (limply) You are Mister Thompson. 

Thompson: (largely) I am J. P. Thompson, Esq., 
President of the Board of Education. 
Professor Grindem is not at the Board 
meeting. No one knows that so well 
as I, I venture to state. We have been 
waiting for Professor Grindem one 
hour, young man, exactly one hour. 

Galliger: (blankly) You have? 

Babe : (gracefully coming forzvard) Mrs. 
Grindem is at home, Mr. Thompson. 
Shall I tell her you are here? 

Wright: (rising and going to Mr. Thompson) 
Professor Grindem was unavoidably 
detained at the office this morning, Mr. 
Thompson. Permit me to explain. 

Thompson : Certainly, Professor. I shall be most 
happy, (he bows to Babe) Let us 
proceed to the building, Professor. 

(They go together.) 

Frank: (after a silence) Wright's a brick! 

Galliger: I'm a chump! 

Babe : You certainly are ! What made you 
say that — of all things? 

Bessie: Yes, of all things on earth! You might 
have known what was up. 



(13) 



Frank: If poor old Grindem u playing hookey 
you oughtn't to peach ! 

Babe: He isn't playing hookey. Somebody's 
waylaid him. 

Galliger: (distressfully) Do you think I gave 
him a black eye ? Great Scott, I'm 
sorry ! 

Babe : (soothingly) Don't you mind. J. P. 
Thompson, Esquire (imitating his 
voice and manner) knows Professor 
can't be in ten places at once. Pro- 
fessor Wright'll fix it all up. You 
know he's death on explanations. 

Galliger : Wright's a brick ! He can have a slice 
of my pie. 

(A messenger boy appears at the 
screen door, mopping his face.) 

Boy : Grindem in ? 

Galliger: No, what do you want? 

Boy : Do you know where he's at ? 
Frank: No. What do you want? 

Boy: Grindem! (disappears at one bound.) 

Frank: I would't blame "Prof." for hiding 
under the barn ! 

Galliger : Nor I ! But they'd crawl under after 
him. 

Bessie: (looking up from her zvriting} Do any 
of you know where Jack Huntoon was 
born? And say, is Dan Thurston's 
father a lawyer, or what? 

Frank: (taking up his hat and small roll of 
MS.) Put him down "Or What." Gal- 
liger, you tell "Prof." that I— 

(There is a step and Professor Grind- 
em ivalks to the door, opens it, and 
comes in. They all rise, Bessie drop- 
ping several things.) 

Grindem: Good morning. (smiles somewhat 
■ci.'unty, and goes to the Jiat rack.) it 

(14) 



Bessie : 

Babe: 
Frank ; 

Mary: 



Grindem : 
Mary: 

Grindem : 
Mary: 

Grindem : 
Mary: 



is a beautiful morning, (takes off his 
gloves and hangs tip his hat.) But it is 
warm for June, (turns around) Do 
you wish to speak to me? (looks at 
each in turn.) 

Yes, Professor, I want to know what 
you think about writing the History 



Did you promise the Webster Club 
that they might have 

(with Senior dignity) I called to ask 
if you consider Ball's arguments 

(Enter Mary.) 

Perfessor, there was a 'phone call just 
after you left. I wrote it down (gives 
bit of paper). And Mr. MacMaster's 
man came with the wood, and Mr. 
Fletcher sent word that if you want 
them boxes 

(taking up his mail and running over 
the letters) What wood? 

The wood Mr. MasMaster's man 
brought. He said it was the best they 
had. 

(studying the superscription of a let- 
ter) I didn't order any wood. What 
are you talking about? 

The wood Mr. MacMaster's man 
brought. Mrs. Grindem was busy, so 
I — I just let him put it in the cellar. 

You did? (opens a letter) Well, he'll 
have to take it out of the cellar, (reads 
with knitted brows.) 

Yes, sir. And Mr. Fletcher says if you 
want them boxes you must send over 
this afternoon. And that telephone 
man wanted you to ring him up right 
away, he said. It's very important. 
(Grindem reads, unhearing.) Did you 
hear, Professor? 



(15) 



Grindem: (looking up ivith a start) Eh? I said 
he'd have to take it out of the cellar. 

Mary: I said that the man that telephoned 
you 

Grindem: Yes, yes, Mary, I'll see to the man. 
{Mary goes.) Now, (he lozvcrs the 
letter sloivly) you were saying, Gal- 
liger, 

Galliger: I have been appointed a committee of 

one to ask you if you will make a 

short address tonight for the Glee 

. Club, Professor. You know it's our 

first public concert. 

Grindem: Yes, I see. And you, Miss Bessie? 

Bessie: (shoving back her hat zvith agitation) 
I can't get started on this Class His- 
tory! I've tried a dozen times. I 
thought if you would help me get a 
start, you know 

Grindem: (gazing at her absently) A good start 
is very important. What is your 
trouble, Frank? 

Frank: It's about my oration. I am afraid 
some of it isn't right — cannot be 
proved. Ball says that if the atmos- 
phere of Mars is 

Babe: Oh, is your oration about Mars? I've 
been dying to know ! Jack said it was 
scientific ! 

Frank: (straightening up) It is scientific! If 
the hypothesis that Mars is inhabited 
isn't scientific 

Galliger: (grinning) And idealistic and mono- 
theistic and philosophic 

Grindem: And what did you want to see me 
about, Miss Margaret? 

Babe: (with engaging dignity) Why, Pro- 
fessor, it is too bad to trouble you, but 
we are in all kinds of difficulty about 



(16) 



the Junior play. Things are awfully 
mixed. 

Galliger: (nodding) Yes, all wrinkled up like 
I7gg_0-See! (Grindem only looks at 
Babe gravely.) 

Babe : We have hired Everett Hall for Wed- 
nesday night and paid for it, and 
everything, and so have the Websters. 
They won't give up, and we have to 
have it, that's all. Professor Wright 
told Bob Martin— 

Galliger: (scornfully) Don't you know Bob 
Martin? He gets everything upside 
down and backwards. 

Grindem: (sinks into a chair) Never mind about 
that now. What did Wright tell Bob? 

Babe: He told Bob we could have it sure. 
I suppose he forgot he had promised. 

Grindem: (patiently) 'We?' 

Babe: The Juniors, I mean. You know the 
Freshmen do the decorating for the 
Junior play this year, — make all the 
arrangements, and Bob is chairman of 
the committee. They are blaming us 
for getting into this scrape and it isn't 
our fault. If Professor Wright hadn't 
told Bob— 

Grindem : Oh, I see. Well, we'll have to take up 
these troubles one at a time. (Rises, 
gathering up mail, papers, and a book 
or tzvo.) Come into the study, all of 
you in turn. What did you say you 
wanted, Galliger? 

Galliger: (fingering his cap) Want you to make 
a speech to-night. At the Glee Club. 
Only a few words about the Club, you 
know; pat us on the back. At the 
Duval at 8 o'clock. You needn't stay 
for the stunts of you haven't tirne, 
but we couldn't have anybody else in- 
troduce us, you know. 

(17) 



Grindem: (walking towards an inner door) All 
right, Galliger. I'll try to say a few 
words. But I may not be able to stay 
for the program. 

Galliger: (turning at the screen door) That'll 
be all right, Professor. We'll under- 
stand. I wanted to ask you about the 
Red's banquet, but you are in a 

hurry — 

Grindem: (anxiously) What's the matter with 
their banquet? 

Galliger : Well, you see, sir, you've put the Sen- 
ior reception the same night as the 
Red's banquet, and the fellows are 
kicking. 

Grindem : I did ! 

Galliger: But we can fix it; don't mind about 
us. The Reds don't want to balk the 
procession, and we'll fix it up O. K. 

Grindem: I can't think how I made such a mis- 
take. Well, you come in and see me — 
let me see — let me see. Come at 2 
o'clock, and we'll see what can be 
done. And tell the boys I didn't 
mean — 

Galliger: They know you didn't, Trof.' That's 
all right; that's all right. We can 
fix it up. (goes.) 

Grindem : Now, whoever's waited the longest 
come first, (goes, through the inner 
door.) 

Babe: That's you, Frank. 

Frank: (apologetically) Well, I'm in such an 
awful hurry, if you don't really 
mind — 

Babe: (waving him aivay) Go ahead. It's 
my turn next. (Frank goes.) . . . 
Bess, you'll have writers' paralysis! 

Bessie: (without looking up) I'll have worse 
than that if I don't get this done. 

(18) 



Babe: (taking box of chocolates and settling 
herself comfortably) It'll be a long 
wait if it's his oration. . . . I'm 
glad Galliger had the presence of mind 
to bring something to eat. ... At 
least there can't any Websters get 
at him till I do! (falls into a zvide- 
eycd retrospection.) 



(19) 



Act II. 



Grindem 

Miss S. : 
Grindem 

Miss S.: 



Grindem 



Miss S. 



Grindem 



{The office of Professor Grindem, 
Rafton High School, Wedensday 
morning, June 5, at 9 o'clock. A row 
of plain chairs stand against a side 
wall, "Audience Row," zvhere people 
sit while waiting 'an audience" with 
Professor Grindem.. Enter the Pro- 
fessor, hands full of letters and a 
neivspaper. He takes off his hat and 
coat, hangs them up on the zvall, puts 
on a thin alpaca coat, and seats him- 
self at his desk, ivhistling cheerfully. 
Enter, presently. Miss Sophia Spald- 
ing. 

(ivithoitt looking up from his letter) 
Good morning. 

(airily) Good morning, Professor. 

(rising hastily) Ah, Miss Spalding, I 
am glad to see you. Will you be 
seated ? 

(drazvs a chair near the desk) I wish, 
Professor, to consult you in regard 
to the arrangement of the stage in Act 
V. It is, as you know, a very difficult 
thing with our limited resources, to 
present these old English plays with 
anything like adequate effect. 

But, my dear Miss Spalding, I know 
nothing of the Junior play. I have 
left the matter to you absolutely. 

(affably) Hut when I have told you 
about it you will know. I propose to 
put the situation, the dramatic situa- 
tion, clearly before you. Now, the 
incident, briefly stated, is this : Tony 
Lumpkin, having hoodwinked his 
mother, Mrs. Hardcastle — 

itwisti)ig nncasily) But Professor 
Wright will know what to do with- 
out any explanation. You had better 
consult with him. 
(20) 



Miss S. : (zi'ith graceful reproach) No one 
knows so well as you, Professor. How 
could we do without your advice and 
counsel? You grasp things so quick- 
ly — so easily ! It is no wonder that 
we all come straight to you. A word 
— a hint — and all is clear, all goes 
smoothly again. We could not — 

Grindem: {glancing at his letters) You were 
saying, Miss Spalding, that Tony 
Lumpkin — 

Miss S. : (leoni)ig back comfortably, and open- 
ing a tiny fan) It is really a very 
warm morning. Yes, I was going to 
present the dramatic situation. Tony 
Lumpkin, who, you know, is the broad 
comedian, has made his mother be- 
lieve — 

(Enter Babe, Woodzvard, looking up- 
set and indignant.) 

Babe: Professor, what do you think? The 
Sophomores want to present their 
flowers — 

Grindem: {blandly, zvaving her aside) Have a 
seat. Miss Woodward. I am consult- 
ing with Miss Spalding now. 

Babe : Oh, I beg your pardon. Professor, but 
I am so worried ! It is too late to 
change everything and the Juniors 
won't listen to reason. They say it's 
not fair — 

Grindem : Have a seat, Miss Woodward. You 
were saying. Miss Spalding — ? (Babe 
sits dozvn in "Audience Rozv.") 

Miss S. : Where were we? Oh, yes; Tony 
Lumpkin, who is the funny man — 

(The door bursts open and Galliger 
Gurdy rushes in, in baseball togs.) 

Galliger : I say, "Prof." the Centerville Cham- 
pions have challenged the Rafton 
Reds at last ! Hurrah for us ! 

(21) 



Grindem : That's good ! That's good ! I told you 
to wait ! When did it come ? 

Galliger: Got it this morning through the mail. 
I tell you what I think. That manager 
of theirs, what's his name — Murry, — 
why he got to sizing things up and he 
realized that the Reds — 

Miss S.: (coldly) Tony Lumpkin has made his 
mother think that they are — 

Galliger: Beg pardon. Aliss Spalding, I didn't 
think. But it's got to be settled right 
away. One cannot put off accepting a 
challenge, you know. 

Miss S. : But / am consulting Professor Grin- 
dem now. 

Babe: {firmly) And I come next. My busi- 
ness simply cannot wait. Dan must 
know so he can fix his speech, though 
I don't think it's fair to make him 
fix it! 

Grindem: Sit down, Galliger. I'll see you in a 
minute. Yes, the challenge ought to 
to be answered immediately. I knew 
it would come. I said so all along. 
Did they set any time? 

Galliger: {sitting down beside Babe) Time? 
You mean limit ? 

Grindem : No ; time for the game. 

Miss S. : {archly) You're a boy again, Pro- 
fessor, when it comes to baseball ! 

Grindem : Well, the boys have worked faith- 
fully this year, and they deserve en- 
couragement. 

Babe : Oh, of course ! Alzvays the boys ! 

Grindem: Galliger, kindly open that door. It's 
very warm in here. Thank you. Now, 
Miss Spalding, it would be much bet- 
ter for you to consult ProfessorWright 
in regard to this matter. He has kept 



(22) 



in touch with the play all along, you 
see, and he can advise you intelligently. 

Miss S.: (rising zvith dignity) Certainly, Pro- 
fessor, if you are not interested — 

Grindem: I am interested, very much interested, 
Miss Spalding.. Of course, I am in- 
terested, but everything is crowding 
now — 

Miss S. : (gathering up her books) I would not 
intrude — 

Grindem: (desperately, rising) You are not in- 
truding. Miss Spalding. Most assur- 
edly not. If I really knew anything 
about the matter I should be most 
happy — 

(Enter Bessie TaPPins, hat on one 
side, open notebook in hand.) 

Bessie: (going straight to the desk) Professor, 
how would it do to have each one tell 
about himself — a sort of dialogue? 

Miss S. : I will consult Professor Wright. Pos- 
sibly he will have time to advise me. 
(goes out in high dudgeon.) 

Bessie: (ivith azve) Oh my, was Miss Spalding 
talking with you? That's too bad, 
only I am in such a dreadful rush, and 
Frank says if I don't hurry, he can't 
typewrite this for me. 

Grindem: (zvearily) Miss Spalding was just go- 
ing. Will you not be seated? (zvaves 
her toward "Audience Row.") 

Bessie : But I can't wait, you see. Frank won't 
do this unless I come right back. He's 
going to do it on the typewriter for 
me, and he's got to meet his father at 
half-past ten. 

Grindem: Well, Miss Bessie, under the circum- 
stances, I might — 

Babe: I am next. Professor. I came in be- 
fore Galliger. Now, truly, didn't I ? 

(23) 



Grindem : (beginning anciv on his letters) I must 
read my mail before I talk with any of 
you. (Bessie sits dozvn beside Galli- 
ger. He produces a paekage of gum 
which he proffers to the girls. There 
succeeds a silence.) 

(Enter Mame Hensel, smartly 
goivned.) 

Mame: (going directly up to the desk) Good 
morning, Professor. 

Grindem: (looking up zvith knitted broius) Good 
morning, Miss Hensell. Won't you 
be — er — seated ? 

Mame: (calmly) No, I thank you, I cannot 
stay. I want to consult you about 
the presentation of the Sophomore 
flowers. At the Junior play tonight, 
you know. They seem to think — 

Grindem: Yes, yes, Miss Hensell, presently. But 
just now I must — 
Mame: (calmly and courteously) But it must 
be settled one way or the other. Profes- 
sor, right now, and you are the one 
to settle it. I want them brought up 
at the close of Act III. That is the 
proper time. That is when things are 
always presented; at the close of Act 
III. 

Babe: (springs up and conies to the desk) It 
doesn't matter what always is ! I 
guess we can do as we please ! The 
Sophs want to present them at the 
close of the fourth act, and I don't see 
why not. Dan Mitchell says his speech 
will fit better then. 

Grindem : His speech ? Is Dan making a speech ? 
Babe: Yes, Dan is to make the presentation 
speech on the part of the Sophs, and 
he ought to be consulted, I should 
think. His speech fits better then be- 
cause he starts it with a quotation from 
the play ; where Marlowe says, "Crown 

(24) 



Mame : 
Babe: 

Mame: 

Grindem 

Mame; 
Babe: 



Grindem 

Mame: 



Babe: 

Mame: 
Grindem : 
Babe and 



me ; shadow me with laurels." That's 
the opening of Dan's speech and it's 
fine — so graceful and apropos ! 

What does that matter? Let him write 
another speech ! 

Another speech? Write another 
speech ! And the play tonight ? He 
can't write speeches while you wait ! 

W^ell, as I am to receive the flowers and 
make the response, I think I ought to 
be consulted. 

(leaning back resignedly and looking 
from one to the other) What are your 
reasons for wanting them presented at 
the close of the Third Act, Miss Hen- 
sell? 

Who ever heard of presenting things 
at any other time ? That is the proper 
time. 

(scornfully) "The proper time!" As if 
that mattered ! I hate to do things the 
way they have been done from the be- 
ginning, world without end. Amen! 
(Galliger giggles and assumes a mock 
attitude of reverence.) 

(unsmiling) Why not take them up at 
the beginning, before the Prologue? 

Of, I couldn't receive them until after 
I have appeared ! Fancy my tripping 
out to take some flowers before the 
audience knows who I am ! Don't you 
see I couldn't? Besides, it's not the 
proper time ! In all the big New York 
theaters — 

As if it matters what they do in New- 
York! Rafton isn't New York! 

No, apparently it is not. 

Well, who is to settle it? 



Mame: You, Professor! 
(25) 



Grindem: In that case, I'll have to see Dan. If 
his speech is all ready, I don't see how 
we can ask him to change it. Tell Dan 
to come — 

(Enter Mrs. Grindem with zvhite par- 
asol and dainty market basket.) 

Mrs. G. : John, don't you think that {drops para- 
sol zuhich Galliger springs to pick up) 
Oh, thank you, Mr. Gurdy ! How are 
you today? (Babe returns to "Audi- 
ence Rozu" and Mame slips out, 
head up.) 

Galliger: I am very well, thank you, Mrs. 
Grindem. (returns to his place beside 
Babe.) 

Mrs. G. : John, don't you think — (searches for 
something in her handbag) don't you 
think it would be nice — 

Grindem: (sighing) Yes, Martha? 

Mrs. G. : (sinking into a chair) Don't you think 
carnations would be pretty favors? I 
am on my way to order things for to- 
night. 

Grindem : Tonight ? 

Mrs. G. : Certainly. For the reception we give 
the Juniors after the play. Don't be 
stupid. How much cream do you 
think I ought to order? 

Grindem: (fingering his letters absently) Do you 
mean how many gallons? 

Mrs. G. : (drazving off her gloves and reaching 
for a pencil.) Yes, dear. Ice cream 
does not come by the yard ! 

Grindem : Well, let me see. There are seventeen 
in the class, and with the Decoration 
Committee — Miss Woodward, how 
many are there on the Freshman Com- 
mittee ? 

Babe: (turning from a conversation zvith Gal- 



(26) 



liger) You mean the Committee for 
the Junior Play, Professor? 
Grindem : Yes, ushers and all, how many Fresh- 
men will assist? 
Babe: (counting hurriedly on her iingers)L,et 
me see. Ushers and ticket-sellers and 
all there will be— there will be — eleven, 
thirteen, fourteen, — ju-st fourteen, Pro- 
fessor. 

Mrs. G. : (figuring on paper) Fourteen and sev- 
enteen; that's twenty-one, isn't it? 

Grindem: Thirty-one, my dear, thirty-one. 
Mrs. G. : (thoughtfully) Thirty-one ; thirty-one. 
And nine is forty. (Professor opens a 
letter and reads) And nine is forty. 
Well, I guess five bricks will be 
enough. What kinds of cakes shall I 
order? 

Grindem: x\ny old kind. You must attend to 
such details, my dear. I am not 
hostess. 
Mrs. G. : I should think you would care about 
the Junior reception. 

Grindem: But I do not know what the young 
folks like. Their tastes may have 
changed since I was a boy. I do care, 
but I haven't read my mail yet. 

Mrs. G. : Well, it is very hard to do things all 
by yourself, and I know very little 
about the school, really. Miss Wood- 
ward, what kind of cake do the Juniors 
like? 

Babe: (rapturously) Oh, chocolate cake! I 
just love it! Chocolate and — and fig! 
Fig cake is delicious ! 

Bessie: (looking up) And sponge cake; 'rnost 
everybody likes sponge cake, I think. 

Galliger : Give 'em some good plain pound cake. 
It beats the sky-scraper cake all out! 

Babe: (dimpling) "Sky-scraper cake !" What 
(27) 



is that? I thought I knew every sort 
of cake. (While they are talking of 
sky-scraper cake" Mrs. Grindein zi'his- 
pcrs to her husband, and he gives her 
some money, then some more.) 

GalHger : Layer cake, I think they call it. A 
whole lot of flat cakes held together 
by stufl: that sticks to your fingers. 

Babe: (giggHitg luxuriously) "Sky-scraper 
cake !" Galliger, you are a case ! 

Bessie : That's good enough for the Class His- 
tory — if you were a Senior ! 

Galliger: If you are going to confine yourself 
to Senior jokes, your History will be 
about as snappy as a weather report ! 

Mrs. G. : (rising) I must be going. It is a very 
warm morning, and I have to go clear 
down to the Central Market. Fig cake 
and chocolate — thank you, MissWood- 
ward. (To her husband) You'll be 
home to luncheon? 

Grindem: I don't know, my dear. I can't tell. 
I may not be able to get away. There 
is a Board meeting at eleven-thirty. 

Mrs. G. : That old Board ! They always meet 
when you are the busiest ! You ought 
to take time to eat ! Pity they couldn't 
meet twice a day ! Well, good-bye ! 
(goes.) 

Grindem: (briskly) Good-bye. Now, Galliger, 
about that challenge? 

Babe: You haven't settled about the Sophs 
yet. Professor. I say let them give 
them after the play. Why not ? 

Bessie: (chewing her pencil) Or at the recep- 
tion tonight. That would be a nice 
time, I think. Or wouldn't it? 

Grindem: You and Miss Hensell and Dan will 
have to settle that. Or no, let Miss 
Hensell and Dan settle it. They are 



(28) 



the ones most concerned. Tomorrow 
afternoon, Galliger, might do for the 
game. 

GalHger : No, sir ; we couldn't work up an in- 
terest by that time. And it'll have to 
be advertised, and the tickets sold, 
and — 

Bessie : Now, I say, Galliger, let me talk to the 
Professor just a minute. 
(Enter J. P. Thompson, Bsq.) 

Thompson : Good morning. Professor. Fine morn- 
ing, sir, fine morning. Is there going 
to be a Board meeting here today? 

Grindem: (rising) Yes, Mr. Thompson, there is; 
at half -past eleven. It is now (he con- 
sults zvatch) quarter to eleven. Will 
you be seated? 

Thompson: I called the meeting for eleven, but 
by a mistake it has been announced 
for a half hour later, I see. 

Grindem : It has. I do not know who made 
the mistake. I cannot be ready until 
half-past, I am afraid. 

Thompson : Do not let me detain you. Business 
is business. I will wait here. You are 
in demand these days. Professor. You 
are a busy man, sir, a busy man. 

Grindem: (mopping his brozv) I am. (Mr. 
TJiouipson scats himself in the last 
chair in "Audience Rozv." Galliger 
stops chezcing gum, Babe opens a book 
and Bessie zcrites more qnietly.) 

(Enter Miss Cameron in natty frock, 
auto hat and veil.) 

Miss Cam. : Professor, may I speak to you a mo- 
ment? (Babe starts and looks up.) 

Grindem: (rising and bozving) Certainly, Miss 
Cameron, with pleasure. What can I 
do for you? 

Miss Cam. : The Senior girls have appointed me a 
(29) 



committee of one to ask you if you 
think it necessary for us to wear gloves 
tomorrow night ? It's the proper thing 
for Commencement, of course, — we 
know that, but some of us want to 
and some of us don't. 

Grindem: (deferentially) What do you think 
yourself, Miss Cameron? 

Miss Cam. : (with an engaging smile) Oh, I think 
it would be nicer not to ; so much 
simpler and more girlish. (Babe and 
Bessie look at each other signiiicantly) 

Grindem : (gravely) Much simpler, I think, Miss 
Cameron, and very — er — very much 
more in keeping with school girls. 

Miss Cam. : (rising) Then I can report that you 
say — 

Grindem: (rising) That I suggest only, Miss 
Cameron. 

Miss Cam. : (smiling that hezvitching smile) I mean 
that you suggest that we do not wear 
gloves ; that you think it is prettier not 
to. Oh, I am so glad ! 

Grindem : I suggest that you do not, Miss Cam- 
eron. 

Miss Cam. : (effusively) That is so kind of you, 
Professor. You never fail us. I am 
so much obliged to you. 

Grindem: (accompanying her to the door) It is 
a pleasure to help you — the young la- 
dies, I mean. 

Miss Cam: (at the door) Thank you. Good-bye, 
Professor. Good-bye! (goes.) 

Grindem: (zvith much gravity) Goodbye, Miss 
Mildred. (He returns to his desk.) 

Thompson: It that the young lady from Philadel- 
phia ? 

Grindem: Yes, that is Miss Cameron — Miss Mil- 
dred Cameron, and she is a brilliant 



(30) 



girl. (Babe nudges Bessie, and Galliger 
looks at the ceiling.) 

Thompson : ( thoughtfully) She graduates this year, 
does she not? 

Grindem: (coldly) She does. 

Thompson: Will she return to Philadelphia after 
Commencement ? 

Grindem: (more coldly) As to that I am not able 
to state, Mr. Thompson. 

(Enter a carpenter, zvith a hammer, 
and zvearing a striped apron.) 

Grindem : Well ? 

Carpenter: Perfessor, will you jes' step 'round and 
look at them lockers? 

Grindem: Why, Williams. I really haven't time 
this morning. What's the trouble? 

Carpenter : Them locks ain't the right kind. I tola 
the boss they wasn't. You'd better 
come and settle it. He says they'll do ; 
I says they won't. 

Grindem: (zvriting) V\[&\\, I'll come in a minute. 
(Carpenter lumbers out.) 

(Professor Wright appears at the 
door, bozvs to Mr. Thompson, comes 
in and sits doivn in "Audience Rozv.") 

Grindem: (starting out) Good morning, Wright! 
Want to see me? 

Wright : Yes ; a little matter has come up at 
the ofifice, and you — 

Grindem: Fll be back in a minute. Can you 
wait ? 

Wright: (consults zvatch). No, I'll be back 
later. 

Grindem: Are you in a hurry? I wish you'd 
come and look at those lockers. Wil- 
liams says the locks won't do. 

Wright: (rising) Yes, indeed. I knew they 

wouldn't. (They go out together.) 

(31) 



Galliger: When's our time coming? I'm get- 
ting gray-headed ! 

Bessie: (dolefully) Maybe not at all. It looks 
that way. (Mr. Thompson gets up 
and goes out.) 

Babe: Well, I'm glad Millie Cameron knows 
what to zvear! 

Galliger : Steady, Babe, steady ! Put sand on 
the track. You're sliding! 

Babe : Oh, well, what right has she to dash 
in here and talk to 'Prof.' when we've 
been waiting an hour ! 

Bessie : And about gloves ! The idea of worry- 
ing Professor this morning about 
gloves ! That's what I say. She has 
no right. 

Galliger : She has the right of a pretty girl ; a 
right recognized everywhere, by gen- 
tlemen and savage alike. 

Babe: 'Pretty girl!' Do you think she's 
pretty ? 

Galliger: In my humble judgment, Miss Wood- 
ward, Millie Cameron is — 
{Frank Saivycr comes to the door, 
looks at the three and gives a pro- 
longed zvhistle.) 

Frank: 'Prof.' in? 

Babe: (savagely) Do you see him anywhere? 

Frank: Ah, the infant's nerves are evidently 
frazzled ! Has he been here this 
morning? 

Galliger: Yes, and so has everybody else on 
earth ! 

Frank: (grinning) 'Audience Row' is not in 
a pretty temper this morning! Bes- 
sie Tapping, if you want me to run 
off that stuff' for you you had better 
hand it over. 

Bessie: But I got to see Professor first. Can't 
(32) 



you do it this afternoon? 

Frank : Can't possibly. Got other fish to fry. 
Well, so long! Shall I send you all 
something to eat? Some sandwiches, 
perhaps ? 

Babe: Go about your business — if you have 
any! 

Frank: (bozving) Dear Miss Woodward, 
yours to command, (goes away ivhist- 
ling. ) 

Babe: The Seniors have been intolerabk all 
week. They think nobody ever grad- 
uated before ! 

Galliger: Put sand on the track! You're slid- 
ing! 

(Enter a large fussy zuoman, followed 
by a uniformed boy ivitli some hand 
luggage.) 

The Woman: Is this Professor John Grindem's of- 
fice? 

Galliger: (rising) Yes, Madam. 

The Woman: Is he in? 

Galliger: (very gravely) Not so far as I can 
see, Madam. 

The Woman: Where is he? (to the boy) Put down 
those things and wait in the hall, (the 
boy goes.) 

Galliger: He was just stepped out. Madam. 

The Woman: (looking sharply at Galliger through 
lorgnette.) Out where, young man? 

Galliger : Out of the room Madam. He's some- 
where in the building. 

The Woman: (sitting dozvn heavily) 1 suppose this 
is his desk? Dear John! 

Galliger: (respectfully) Yes, Madam. 

The Woman : How like him it all looks ! Books 
and papers and maps and all that ! So 
like him ! ( There is a silence. 'Au- 

(33) 



The Woman 

Babe: 

The Woman : 

Galliger : 

The Woman : 



Galliger 
and Babe : 

Bessie : 

The Woman. 

Galliger : 

The Woman : 



Grindem 



dience Rozv' studies her curiously.) 

(zvith cmpressemcnt) I am Mrs. Wil- 
liam Alorton. 

Yes? 

His mother-in-law, you know. 

{dropping his cap) Oh, Madam, you 
are? 

(taking a fan from her traveling hag) 
I stopped here to surprise him first. I 
have never visited them h&iov&, {sigh- 
ing) never before. I have not seen 
him for five years . . . And this 
is where his days are spent. What a 
busy fellow he is ! . . Dear boy ! 

Yes, Madam. 

Yes, indeed. 

(sighing) I am so glad to be here ! 

I presume, Madam, you are. 
(Professor Grindem steps into the 
room briskly, and stops, transfixed). 

(rises) John, do you know me? 
(rushes tozvards him) I have come 
for commencement (throws her arms 
about his neck) and to spend the sum- 
mer ! 



(zveakly) Mrs. Morton! 
have ! 



You 



(34) 



Act hi. 



Babe : 

Galliger : 

Mame : 

Miss Cam. : 

Mame : 



Miss Cam. 
Babe: 



Galliger ; 



{The stage of the Duval Theater, 
Thursday afternoon, June 6th, at four 
o'clock. In the rear, on a stepladder, 
Galliger Gurdy is draping two Amer- 
ican flags against the wall, Babe 
Woodivard superintending the job. At 
one side a carpenter is fixing the floor, 
pounding and zvhistling alternately. 
Miss Cameron is practicing her val- 
edictory, Mame Hensell coaching 
her.) 

Lift that fold to the right. Fix it like 
the other one. 

I can't see the other one. That's what 
I brought you for. 

(to Miss Cameron) Now, dear, com- 
mence again. 

"As we stand together upon the 
threshold of a new life" (carpenter 
pounds and pounds) "As we stand to- 
gether — " (carpenter pounds. Mame 
makes a gesture of silence.) 

Stand closer to the edge. Your voice 
will carry better then. Are you going 
to hold your manuscript — (carpenter 
gives a resounding pound) all the 
time? I thought you said^you were — 
(carpenter whistles and pounds.) 

(in a shriek) I am. Would you? 

More this way, Galliger. And higher — 
lots higher. That fold is as stiff as a 
war ship! Look, Mame, isn't that 
dreadful ! 

Maybe you'd like to try it? (drops 
the flag straight against the wall and 
sits down on the ladder) I'll resigfn 
cheerfully. If you think this is a 
snap. Babe Woodward, you're might- 
ily mistaken. 



(35) 



Babe : I know it's mighty hard to do it but I 
can't. I'm afraid as death of step- 
ladders. 

Galliger: Would you like to try it, Mame? 

]\Iame : No, I haven't time, but I'm not afraid 
of stepladders. 

Miss Cam. : (smiling) I think Mr. Gurdy is doing 
very well. That one is beautifully 
draped. 

Galliger: (lifting his ball cop)l thank you. Miss 
Cameron. You have an artistic eye, 
and when a fellow is trying to do his 
best — 

Babe: (tartly) Go on, Galliger! Hurry up! 
I can't stay here all day ! 

Mame: (to Miss Cameron) And we'd better 
hurry up, too. It's four o'clock. I wish 
Miss Spalding would come. 

Miss Cam. : Oh, I'd rather have you, lots rather. 
Let's — (carpenter pounds) Let's skip 
the first. I know that part like a book. 
Let's — (carpenter pounds) Let's com- 
mence at the "And now, dear fellow- 
students" part. 

Mame: All right. I like that part so much. 

Miss Cam. : (pensively) Oh, do you? Do you 
think it is affecting enough? 

Mame : Well I should think so ! Do you want 
us all dissolved in tears? Go on. 
(Galliger and Babe suspend opera- 
tions to ivatch her.) 

Miss Cam. : (striking an attitude) "And now, my 
dear fellow students, to whom these 
last words come fraught with mem- 
ories of a thousand happy hours, 
bright with the promise of a thousand 
youthful dreams, the perfume of a 
thousand hopes, — to you, my dear fel- 
low students — " (Miss Spalding and 



(36) 



Professor Grindcm come on the stage 
nil observed.) 

Mame: "Fraught?" I thought that was "la- 
dened" — "ladened with memories of 
a thousand happy hours." 

Mis Cam: Miss Spalding said (carpenter pounds 
and tvhistles) said (pound) said 
"fraught" was better. I had it "la- 
dened" first. Which do you Hke 
better? 



Miss S.: 
Miss Cam. : 

Miss S.: 

Grindem : 

Carpenter : 

Grindem : 

Carpenter : 

Miss S.: 

Carpenter : 

Grindem : 

Carpenter : 



(coming forward) I thought "fraught" 
was more euphoneous, that was all. 

Oh. are you there? And Professor! 
Mercy, did you hear me? How am 
I doing it? 

Beautifully. But you must be more 
composed and you must talk louder. 
Your voice — (carpenter pounds tzi'O 
pounds.) 

(to carpenter) Here, man, we can't 
have you raising such a row around 
here. What are you doing? 

It's a squeaky board, Professor. I'm 
putting in another one. Been trying 
to fix it for three days, but there has 
been so blame much practicin" — 

Yes, yes. of course it's not your fault, 
but how soon'll you be done? 

In about a minute. 

(grocefnlly .facetious) About how 
many pounds, Mr. Carpenter? 

(grinning) I think about six, Aliss. 
There are three nails, and I calculate 
on two pounds to each nail. 

Well, pound 'em in and go. Wait, 
please , Miss Cameron, till he gets 
through. 

Here goes. (He pounds six heavy 
pounds and one light one.) 



(37) 



Galliger: A little one for luck. (Carpenter goes 
out.) 

Miss S. : Now, we had better commence at the 
beginning. 

(Bnter a man zvith a palm in a pot.) 

Palm Man : Where does this go ? I have to have 
this place cleared out. 

Grindem : "Cleared Out?" 

Miss S.: "Cleared out?" 

Palm Man: Yes, cleared out. If I am to dec'rate 
this stage it's time I got at it. 

Miss Cam. : (in dismay) But I have to practice — 

Grindem: Can't you bring the plants in and set 
them anywhere for the time being? 

Palm Man: No, sir, I can't, (sets' down the palm 

and crosses his arms) I've been here 

three times today and every time 

- somebody was a-sayin' a piece, and 

now its harf-parst four and — 

Miss Cam. : But what will I do ? Professor, what 
will I do? 

Galliger: Go to the chapel. That's quiet as a 
graveyard. 

Miss Cam. : But, Professor, — 

Palm Man: (lifting the palm) If I am to dec'rate 
this 'ere stage — 

Grindem: (very gently) Perhaps, Miss Mildred, 
you had better not try to do anything 
more here at present. 

Miss S. : Yes, we had better go to the chapel. 
(To Miss Cameron) It will be all 
right. You've about got it, anyway. 

Miss Cam. : But if I fail tonight ! Oh, what if I 
fail tonight? 

Galliger: (cheerfully) "In the bright lexicon of 
Youth, there is no such word as fail," 
Miss Cameron. 



(38) 



Babe : It'll be in your bright lexicon, Galliger 
Gurdy, if you don't look out! 

Mame : Come on, it's getting late. 

Miss Cam. : (preparing to go) What time this 
evening are we to be here, Professor? 

Grindem: At eight o'clock sharp, Miss Mildred. 
Eight o'clock sharp. 

Galliger: Who ever heard of sweet girl gradu- 
ates' being on time? Tell 'em seven, 
."Prof." and maybe you can open the 
bair at eight. 

Miss Cam. : Qh, , iwe'U _be here if we promise. You 
kno>y i we will, Professor. 

Grindem: , (sitting doivn in one of the two chairs 
on the stage) Yes, Miss Mildred, I 
think you will. 

Mame: (taking Miss Cameron's arm) Come 
oh, Mildred, if you're going. We've 
got to dress for dinner yet. (Mame, 
Miss Cameron and Miss Spalding 
go-) 
Grindem: (looking around the room, critically) 
Galliger, that flag's too high. 

Galliger: (rising to his feet on the stepladder) 
Too high from which? The other 
flag or the floor? 

Grindem : The floor. All the wall space should 
be covered^that is, all that the audi- 
ence can see. 

Babe: No, the people's heads will come to 
there, (indicating on the wall.) 

Galliger: That's how I figured it; You can't 
see through the heads of the Board. 
They're too thick. 

Grindem: (grinning) You are right, the flag 
needn't come clear down. Couldn't 
you get any more flags? Only two 
makes it look skimpy. 

Galliger: (turning reproachfully) Now, "Prof." 
(39) 



if you're going to sit there and — 

Grindem : I know, I know. It's easy enough to 
sit in a chair and suggest things to a 
man on a stepladder. ( The Palm Man 
comes in and puts doivn a palm.) 
Robinson, what are you putting these 
pahns there for? The graduates sit 
there. 

Palm Man: Well, I would like to fin' out jes' 
where them bloom in' graduates air to 
set ! First, they say one place ; then 
they say another. Yesterday, it was 
here ; today it is there. Perfessor 
Wright says there ; you say here. 
Who's s'posed to know? 

Grindem: (meekly) I am supposed to know. 

Palm Man : Well, then, s'pose you settle it. Where 
air them graduates gain' to set? 

Grindem: (rising and indicating floor space) 
The graduates sit there ; leave room 
for twelve chairs. Back of them, the 
Board of Education ; leave room for 
eight chairs. 

Galliger: We don't have to decorate the back 
of the stage, you know. The Board 
1 furnishes the green eflfect. 

Palm Man : (snickering) Where air you a-goin' to 
set, Perfessor ? 

Grindem: (indicating) At the left; there. By a 
table. Where is that table, by the 
way? 

Babe: What table, Professor? 

Grindem : I am to have a very swell table ; solid 
mahogany. Hasn't it come? 

Galliger : There's no such table 'round here. 
Nothing's come since I arrived. 

Babe : Did you arrive at sun-up ? Maybe it's 
behind the scenes? 

Galliger : There's no table of that sort here. I've 
investigated the field of battle. 
(40) 



Grindem: (looking at his zvatch) I ordered a 
table from Hanley's, and they said it 
would be here by 2 o'clock without 
fail. Galliger, I wish you would — 

(Enter Bessie Tapping, hastily, hat 
awry. She collides ivith the Palm 
Man, who is stooping over a palm.) 

Palm Man: (recovering his equilibrium) Talk 
about your cy-clones! Air you a grad- 
uate ? 

Bessie: (breathlessly) Oh, I beg your pardon! 
I hope I didn't spoil the palm. I didn't 
notice you. I came to practice ! 

Grindem : Came to practice ! You can't prac- 
tice now. I hope you'll all leave your 
practicing till the very last minute ! 
The man has to decorate the stage 
now and nobody — 

Bessie: (peeling off her gloves and unrolling 
her manuscript) But I don't mind. 
He won't disturb me. 

Grindem : But he minds. You cannot practice 
here. 

Bessie: But I got to. I haven't even read this 
over out loud yet. 

Babe: Ye gods and little fishes ! You haven't? 

Grindem : (severely) Yes, Miss Bessie, this is a 
little late.' Galliger, run around to 
Hanley's, will you, and ask them about 
that table? Tell them to send it right 
away. (Galliger hurries down the 
ladder and out.) 

Bessie: (taking position and commencing to 
read) 

"First on the list, as you may surmis*. 
Is a trim little girl, pretty and wise; 
Fanny Farren— " 

Palm Man : (stepping up to her) I got to put this 
palm where you're standin'. (Babe 
and Professor smile at each other.) 



(41) 



Bessie: (moving a feiv steps and proceeding 
serenely) 

"Fanny Farren, clever and debonair, 
With ripples of golden sunshine for hair; 
She loves—" 

Babe: What's "debonair," Bess? 

Bessie: Oh, kind of jolly and fetching. I don't 
know exactly, but I had to have a 
rhyme for "hair." Of course I had to 
mention her hair. 

Babe: Yes, of course. If you let her hair 
out you would have no excuse for put- 
ting her in. Go on. It's splendid. 

Bessie : I hope it'll do. Goodness knows, I've 
worked like a Turk getting it ready! 
Nobody would help me; I've walked 
miles and miles to write it! (reads) 

"Wi ripples of golden sunshine for hair; 
She loves Higher Mathematics and Greek, 
And yearns to take to the stump and spi'ak 
Of woman's wrongs and Inform' e men 
How to run the country, and w y, and when ; 
She knows — " 

Babe : Oh, that's fine ! Fine ! It's Fanny Farran 
over again ! How could you make it 
rhyme so easy? It sounds as good as 
Longfellow or Pope. 

Bessie: (zvithout pride) Oh, it's easy when 
you're started once. It's like rolling 
down hill ; you can hardly stop. 

"She knows everything that women have done 
From the present down to the Great Year One; 
She can describe them in every age. 
Civilized, cannibal and savage; — " 

Palm Man: (coming in with a plant) Excuse me, 
Miss, but you'll have to move over. 
These pams gotter be fixed. 

Bessie : I reckon the speakers have to have 
some place to stand! I'm almost on 
the edge now ! 

Palm Man : Dunno nothin' 'bout the speakers, but 
Perfessor he said to go ahead with, 
the panis. 

(42) 



Bessie: Professor, are we going to stand on 
this stage or not? This man wants to 
put a pahii here. I've got to stand 
somewhere, I guess ! 

Palm Man : I don't want to put a pahn there ; 
never said I did. But I got to have 
room to move in. It's gettin' late. 

Grindem : You certainly have. Miss Bessie, this 
man has to arrange the stage, and you 
had better go — 

(Enter Frank Saivyer, immaculately 
dressed.) 

Grindem: (looking him over) Did you come to 
practice? (Palm Man goes out.) 

Frank: (airily) Practice? Oh, no, I haven't 
practiced for two days. 

Bessie: You haven't! My, I wish I was 
smart ! 

Frank: (airily) I wish you were. Who fixed 
the flags? 

Babe: (defiantly) Galliger! 

Frank: Mighty artistic job. Very efifective. 
But on the whole a little slab-sided, 
don't you think? 

Babe: If you can do any better, go ahead. 
We need a man with ideas. And you 
needn't put on airs around here where 
everybody is working. 

Frank: Working? It looks like it! What 
are you doing, Miss Woodward? Any- 
thing in particular? 

Bessie: She is coaching me, that's what she is 
doing. 

Grindem: Miss Bessie, you had better go to the 
chapel where you can have more 
room. 

(Re-enter Palm Man.) 

Palm Man: (to Professor Grindem) I'm going af- 
ter the big pams now. It won't take 

(43) 



but a few minutes to fix 'em when I 
get back. 

Grindem : But when will you get back ? 

Palm Man : In harf an hour or sich a matter. Jes' 
got to go to the store, (goes on the 
lope.) 

Frank : Speedy fellow, that one. 

Bessie : But, Professor, Millie Cameron is 
using the chapel. 

Grindem: Then go to one of the recitation 
rooms. 

A Voice: (from the flies somezvhere( Oh John! 

Grindem: (aside) Mrs. Morton! . . . Yes, 
Mother ! 

A Voice: (from the flies, but nearer) Shall I 
come right on the stSige? (Frank drops 
into a chair.) 

Grindem: (rises) Yes, Mother. 

(Hnter Mrs. Morton. As she does so 
the girls giggle and sidle out.) 

Mrs. Morton : I came to see how you are getting on, 
John, as I was out for a walk. 

Grindem: Yes, Mother. 

Mrs. Morton: (putting up her lorgnette) You aren't 
nearly ready, are you? (sits down 
with a heavy sigh.) 

Frank: (rising) Oh, it won't take long. Sit 
down, Professor, and view the land- 
scape o'er. — There isn't really much to 
fix, Mrs. Morton, as the stage will be 
full of people. 

Mrs. Morton : But it looks so bare ! Is that the pit 
you read about? A theater is a deso- 
late place in the daytime, isn't it? 
That flag doesn't look very well. Why 
don't you loop it up like the other 
one? 

Grindem : That isn't quite finished. Galliger will 



(44) 



be back in a minute. These things 
take time. 

Mrs. Morton : But you've had all day. I should think 
you would be all ready, waiting. 

Grindem: Yes, there have been several days. 

Frank: (looking at the Professor affection- 
ately) The week has been full of days, 
hasn't it, "Prof."? 

Mrs. Morton : Mercy, are you going to have those 
palms in a stiff row? They aren't 
very good palms, anyway. 

Grindem: The man hasn't finished with the 
palms, and besides, the stage will be 
full of people. 

Mrs. Morton : Oh, do you have the graduates sit on 
the stage? Won't that be nice? I 
haven't been to a Commencement 
since I was a girl. 

Frank: Yes, Madam. 

Mrs. Morton : And do you sit on the stage, too, 
John? 

Grindem: (looking up from memoranda) I do. 

Frank: You do if you live till tonight, hey 
"Prof."? 

Mrs. Morton: (sighing) Yes, if we live; if we live. 
It is a solemn thought. We never 
know what an hour may bring forth. 
Oh, John, there was a man out there 
inquiring for you. 

Grindem : Out where ? 

Mrs. Morton: (fanning herself) It is very warm in 
here. I presume places of this sort 
are not well ventilated. At the door 
in an autom.obile. The smell was 
awful. I think he was one of the 
Board ; he looked very important, and 
said it was "imperative" that he see 
you. 



(45) 



Frank: Shall I swear for you, "Prof."? 

Mrs. Morton : (looking at Frank through her lorg- 
nette) What do you mean? John does 
not swear? 

Frank: Of course not. That's why I offered 
to swear for him. Shall I see who it 
is, Professor? 

Grindem: Thank you, Frank, I wish you would. 
(Frank goes out.) 

Mrs. Morton : That flag makes me nervous. If I 
were a younger woman I would drape 
it myself. 

Grindem: Galliger will fix it when he comes 
back. 

Mrs. Morton: But it is getting late. 

Grindem : It is. 

Mrs. Morton: Has the man finished with the palms? 

Grindem : No, the man has not finished with the 
palms. He has gone for some more; 
some large ones. 

Mrs. Morton : Well, I should hope he had. These 
look skimpy. Are you going to have 
any cut flowers? 

Grindem : Only one bunch. American beautie^s, 
on the table. 

Mrs. Morton: What table? I do not see any table? 

Grindem : The table is coming. Galliger has 
gone out for it. 

Mrs. Morton: A good deal seems to hang on Gal- 
liger. 

Grindem: (sighing heavily) It does. (Aside) 
Thank heaven for aGlliger. 

(Re-enter Frank, accompanied by. 
Professor Wright.) 

Frank: (to Professor) He's gone. It was 
only Mr. Thompson. 

Wright: Good evening, Mrs. Morton. Mr. 



(46) 



Thompson gave me his message, Pro- 
fessor. It was about a called meet- 
ing of the Board tomorrow. 

Grindem : (taking out his notebook)Wh3Lt time? 

Wright : At three-thirty. Only a brief meeting. 
Well, how are you getting on? 

Grindem : The chairs haven't come from the 
building yet, nor the table, nor the 
large palms. 

Mrs. Morton: (with asperity) Why don't you tell 
him what has come? It would take 
less time. 

Wright: But they'll all be here in time. And 
when our pretty graduates get up 
here, tucked among the green like 
white roses — 

Frank: Why, Professor, you sound like 
poetry ! Better be careful ! 

Mrs. Morton: (rising) That is a very pretty figure 
of speech, I think. Innocent young 
girls in white, on the threshold of a 
new life ; "Standing with reluctant 
feet where the brook and river meet," 
as the poet says. "Childhood and — 

Wright: "Womanhood and childhood fleet." 
Childhood and — " what is the rest? 

Mrs. Morton : Oh, yes, certainly. Thank you. "Wo- 
manhood and childhood fleet." It is 
a lovely sentiment — John, will you be 
home to dinner? It is nearly tonight, 
remember, (goes, bowing with much 
deference to Wright.) 

Wright: Anything I can do for your. Profes- 
sor? Can't you go home now? 

Grindem: I want to see the place in order first, 
and the table hasn't some. But you 
go home and be here by eight sharp. 
Oh, have you seen Dawson? 

Wright : Not for several days, but he knows he 
is to be here. 

(47) 



Frank : He's out of town, I think. 

Grindeni : The Reverend Robert Dawson ? Why 
he is to give the Invocation tonight. 
You were to see him, Wright. 

Wright: I did, and he said he'd be here. But 
that was on Monday. 

Grindem: (to Frank) What makes you think 
he's out of town? 

Frank : Harry said so ; said his father was 
called away this morning. Somebody 
dead in Centerville, I think he said. 

Grindem : (sinking back in his chair) Good 
heavens, can anything else happen? 
Will you see about the matter, 
Wright ? 

Wright: (starting to go) Certainly. I think 
Frank must be mistaken. 

Grindem : If Dawson is out of town, get — get — 
who can you get? 

Wright: I'll get somebody. Don't you worry 
about that. There are plenty of 
preachers. 

Grindem: Then I'll leave it to you? 

Wright: Yes, it will be attended to. Dismiss 
the matter entirely (goes). 

Grindem: (rising zvcarily) Maybe I ought to go 
and see about it myself. Wright is 
so absent-minded. 

Frank; Let him do it. You can't be in six 
places at once. 

(Re-enter GaUiger.) 

Grindem: How about the table? 

GaUiger: The clerk didn't know anything 
about it. 

Grindem: Didn't know anything about it? 

GaUiger : So I came to know if I can't go home 
and get — 



(48) 



Grindem: Didn't know anything about it? 
Whom did you see? 

GalHger: The head clerk. Everybody else had 
gone, it is so late. Let me go home 
and send over our library table. It 
won't take a jiffy. 

Grindem: But you'll miss your dinner. 

Galliger : Well, it won't be the first time. Frank, 
skin up -that 4adder and hook up that 
flag and I'll go and get the table. 

Frank : I can't drape a flag. I never did such 
a thing in my life. 

Galliger: All right, you bet I can. {To Profes- 
sor) And your table'U be here O. K., 
Trof." Hanley isn't the only man 
that has a mahogany table! Don't 
you worry! Go home and be 'aisy.' 
I'm your huckleberry ! 

Grindem: (laying his hand on Galliger s shoul- 
der) I'll not worry. Galliger, you are 
the "noblest Roman of them all." 

Frank: I'm going yb your house, Galliger. 
I'll send that table around. 

Galliger: Here, I'll write mother a note, (zvrites 
in a tiny notebook) And get that 
transfer man at the corner of Third 
and Sherman, you know ; opposite 
Tanner's drug store. Here's a quar- 
ter. (Frank refuses it) Yon come with 
him so he'll be sure and bring it, will 
you? Stay by him like a leech. 
(hands the note.) 

Frank: Yes, we'll arrive instanter, the table 
and I. 

Galliger : And carry the vase mother'll give you 
in your hands. Be awful careful. It's 
sister's. We'll have a cut-glass 
"vawse" for your boquet, "Prof." We 
are the people! 

Frank : One vase, cut glass ; one table, ma- 



(49) 



hogany. All right. So long (goes.) 

( Galliger climbs the ladder and drapes 
the flag in silence, watching Grindem 
covertly. The latter sits quietly, 
zvatch in hand, looking straight 
ahead.) 

(presently) You're pretty well tuck- 
ered out, aren't you, "Prof."? 

Yes, Galliger, it's been a hard week. 

I bet you'll be glad when tomorrow 
comes. 

Yes, Galliger, I shall. It's been a 
long week. 

(after a pause) What are you waiting 
for, "Prof."? 

I want to see that the janitor ar- 
ranges the chairs as they should be. 
He was due here two hours ago. 

Couldn't I see to it? 

No, Galliger, thank you, Fd better 
see to it myself. 

(There succeeds a silence, Galliger 
looking doivn at Grindem wistfully. 
Then he sloivly steps down the lad- 
der.) 

(softly) Dear old "Prof." . . Dear 
old "Prof."! (tip-toes out, carrying 

his cap.) 

(Curtain falls upon the Professor, 

watch in hand, staring into space, un- 

ing.) 

EPILOGUE. 

The Library of the Grindem home, Friday morning. 

" . . . The innocent sleep, 
Sleep that knits up the ravell'd sleave of care, 

. . . sore labour's bath. 
Balm of hurt minds, great nature's second course." 

—Macbeth. 



Galliger : 

Grindem : 
Galliger : 

Grindem 



Galliger : 



Grindem : 

Galliger : 
Grindem : 



Galliger : 



(50) 



( Professor Grindem is discovered asleep on a couch, 
carefully covered with a crazy quilt. Mrs. Grindem 
passes in to her desk, on tip-toe, and out, twice. Mary 
brings a telegram, lays it on the table, and backs 
out cautiously. Galliger comes with a boquet of 
American beauties in a cut glass vase, which he places 
on the Professor's desk, then tip-toes out. He returns, 
writes a note, and pins it to the crazy quilt, moving 
with much caution. Mrs. Grindem comes in, sees 
Galliger, telegraphs on her fingers that the Professor 
is not to be disturbed, and they both tip-toe out. She 
returns in a minute and pulls down the window 
blinds. Grindem sleeps on.) 



(51) 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 



018 360 896 4 ( 



